Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
When you can smile and have dimples.
It's hard to be mad.
It's easy to be glad!
~ Taken from http://www.positivethoughts.com/inspirational_greeting_card_easytobeglad.htm
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
“You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable, determination."
Monday, January 24, 2011
Anyway, conference, he is such a different person at school. He is doing so well! According to teachers anyway. His grades are awesome and if it weren't for late assignments, he would have straight A's. With the things he tells me that happens at school, I would expect there to be other issues. But they say no. He is a good student. No problems or very few...What gives?
How can he be two totally different people? I know kids in general are better for other people than they are their parents, but really? Come on?! I mean a total 180 different.
So much for thinking, or rather hoping, the school was finally going to put him on an IEP. They were supposed to be testing him last week and this, they still haven't. So if they don't put him on an IEP, or they won't help pay the tuition part of RTC then we wait until he is 12 and keep sending him to the state hospital. Not really something I want to do. Not at all.
I am not sure how hubby thinks I should feel about M. Or that I need to be there for him, no matter what.
If you have one child with special needs and one without, do you ever feel like you have to choose between the two? Like I am scarring R for life because of the things M does, or that I might lose R if we should split up because of M? I just don't get it. I love both of my children with all of my heart and would do nothing to hurt them. So why do I feel like I am hurting both of them?
This weekend started rough, although I am not sure when rough stopped! He made some threats about his principle at school and with the mood and mind set he has been in, we were all kinda worried. So, I brought him to see an on call children's counselor. He fought with me the whole way there. Told me he was not talking to some gay person. Ok, so this was the first time he had to see a man. Boy did he let this counselor have it. Swore at him, told him he wasn't talking to him. Yelled at me that all this was my fault. And on and on. There were times that if I closed my eyes, I could see his dad saying those things to me. M is getting to sound more and more like his dad~which is really scary. We were going to admit him to an acute behavioral hospital 1 1/2 hours away. It would have been awful getting him there, but is that was what we had to do, then so be it. Naturally they did not have any open beds. So we were put on a waiting list. He is still home.
M went to his dad's after that appointment. His dad lets him do what he wants so there weren't too many problems there. M came home Sat. after ice skating and kinda stayed down in his room. We had some trouble but not terrible. Sunday he wanted to go ice skating. i had no cash to give him so I said no. He got mad, said he was going to his dads to get money. Well, not 20 mins later he was home crying. He got bit by a dog. I so hope he was telling me the truth, but you never know. This big black lap got out of the gate when his owner was trying to get out. Jumped on M and bit him on the elbow and the back by his shoulder blade. M is ok. Just superficial wounds and scared. We called the police and reported it and went to the er. (which is quite funny and coincidental, but that story is for another time). He is fine, no stitches, nothing broken.
Guess what? If he would have stayed home like he was supposed to, or if he didn't go down an alley that is further down the road than his dad's; he would not have gotten bitten. I told him this and I just got a glare! Oh well, he is safe and home, that's what matters.
I hope you all have a good week and I will be back again! No telling when ;)
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Taken from "The Kids Come First Coalition Page on Facebook"
Saturday, January 15, 2011
I'm not sure how much more I, M, or the rest of my family can take. I just kicked M out to walk to his dads, which is less than a block away. I even packed his bag for him. I can't take anymore abuse. My family can't take anymore abuse. I feel awful, truly awful. He sat on the deck and cried for awhile. He was cold. It isn't that cold out. I am not sure why (maybe it's because I told him to go and it wasn't his choice, ODD part coming out, again) but he was crying that he didn't want to go to his dad's.
I called his dad to tell him M was on his way. He started to chew me out and tell me that if I was a parent M would not be acting this way. Like he is one to talk! He has never been consistent in seeing M. He has been more so lately, but that is because he is on 24/7 and can't go drinking, so then the only excuse he can come up with for not getting M is because he is "sick". Wish I had that choice sometimes!
I know going to his dad's is not the best option, but it beats me having to call the police to control him. That is part of our crisis plan. One that I should have done many times, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I have never really kicked him out of the house before, unless you count sending him off to school when he doesn't want to go.
It's gotten really bad this week. I guess it has been worse, but this week my husband finally had enough and told me he might have to leave me for awhile because he can't handle M's taunting and abuse and he wasn't going to risk losing his older two kids because of M. So far he is still here, and doesn't really want to leave. I know that if things don't change it is inevitable.
Our little one is doing to my husband (his dad) what he sees M do. Which is not very nice at all. No matter how many times we tell him, what M does sometimes is not nice and we do not act that way. Or we do not treat our moms and dads or anybody like that. I see the hurt on my husbands face every time R acts this way towards him.
So I sat here and cried because I kicked M out. I cried because of I felt awful doing it. I cried because I have not done that, I didn't even give him a hug. I just told him, I loved him and always would. I just need him to go to his dads because we need a break. I also cry because I know he is not happy. I wish I could make everything better for him, but I can't and that tears me up!
My husband just got off the phone with his ex-wife. Maybe it would be best for him to leave, because after 10 years of being together, I still can't get how he lets her do what ever the hell she wants, and if it disrupts our lives, so be it. I guess thats another story for another time.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
How I need this one today...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I wonder how this could be my child. The tiny little boy I gave birth to almost 12 years ago. The little boy I see every once in awhile (few and far between).
This is the boy that can survive the day at school, though I know things are catching up with him this year, and come home and meltdown, day after day after day. The boy that can look at me with eyes so angry and threaten to kill me and my husband because he has to clean his room. The boy that aims his nerf guns (which I have now confiscated) at my husband and then at me. The boy that ruins whatever he gets, throws stuff at people, writes all over himself and his room. The boy who has it in his head that if he can get my husband mad at him enough that he will hurt him, so that my husband will be taken out of our home.
An hour or two later, the boy who comes up to me with tears in his eyes and tells me he is sorry and he loves me. I'll admit there are times when he is already "over it" and he tries to come to me, I have to tell him to go away and stay in his room because I am not ready to see him. Other times, I just want to sit and cry with him, because we are all at our wits end with him and really don't know what else we can do or try.
The same boy who can go visit his counselor (who has seen him in mid rage) that evening or the next day and say everything is fine and smile and be perfectly content with life. Thank goodness she knows better and pushes him for the truth.
We are not so patiently waiting for testing for an IEP so hopefully the school will pay for his tuition while at a children's home. A home where hopefully they can "find" the right meds for him, help him with his daily struggles, help him learn to cope with life. To be able to say OK when asked to do something. As I sit here and reread this, there are way to many hopes in this. I know I have given it to God and he will help us through it somehow. I am worried that M has given up on God and won't help himself. There are so many times when he says it is too hard. "I can't do this anymore". He has been hospitalized so many times that the last time he was in it was only for 3 days. They sent him home with one med change. Did it help? No, it was like a respite care thing. That is not what the hospital is supposed to be for, yet it seemed to me that was all they were willing to do this time.
Having dealt with depression my whole life, I have learned many different ways to cope. I use these tools with M and try to teach him. I can only teach him what he is willing to learn.
Do I want my son sent away? No. If this is the only way he can get help then that is something I will have to learn to deal with.
How can you love someone so much that it hurts, and all they do is hurt you? Sometimes I wonder how this could be my child.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
It has been almost two weeks since M's medication change and I am going insane! He is absolutely drives me up the wall and my patience has been tested and then some. I am thinking this is definitely not the change we wanted!!!! He was taken off Seroquel and put on Clonidine. He had been on clonidine before, but it didn't work. I was reminded that it was awhile ago, it could be different this time. Ok, so far he is not like he was the last time, however it is not working. He has been on so many meds, it is hard to decide what to try this time. He is currently on Vyvanse, Zoloft, and now clonidine.
The main reason he was taken off of Seroquel was because of his appetite. It hasn't worked super for a long time, but it definitely was better than this!
What has your child been on?
Any suggestions on what to do now?
Oh yeah, did I mention we have to look for a new dr.? He is currently seeing a Mental Health Nurse Practitioner whom I praise up and down!). Anyway, she is retiring in March. This will be the 4th dr. change.
Anyone with advice on that one too?
Monday, January 10, 2011
Hoping you are having a better day too ;)
With all four kids in the house today, M and B are both emotional and think they can do anything they want, C actually is a lot better than she has been (which I am very thankful for!), and R is used to being home alone with me and not liking the sharing so much. M can't play with R because they fight too much and the R starts to get in more trouble and M is totally out of control at that point. B would rather hide in his room listen to his music and play his psp, give dirty looks to anyone that tries to talk to him, so he is not doing anything with anyone. Me? I am already ready for a nap. My back has been really hurting, which I think might be because of my fall, but I was kinda getting used to the pain getting better! Hubby is at work (which with all things considered is probably best!)
Still fighting with the insurance company and doctors office for my disability pay. One place says they sent it, one says they haven't gotten anything! People this is MY life you are dealing with!!!! AGH! If you already can't tell I am very feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and everyone's behavior is definitly not helping.
The sad part is, if the boys where actually behaving, they could be playing WOW! But since they continue this behavior, it is looking like only C will get computer time today. Lucky her!!!
Thinking I will serve lunch and R and I will take a nap and everything will be better after we wake up!
Thanks for listening. Venting definitly helps ~ number one reason for my blog:D
hoping you are having a better day than I am :) I am working on the positive~ we still have a roof over our head right?!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
~I'll admit for me it has been very very difficult to stay on the positive road. The negative is easier...Which is one of the reasons why I have this blog.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
"I will bring back your health and heal your injuries," says the Lord...
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I thought this is a very good reminder today that I need to place everything with God because He will take care of me!!!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
When a person's steps follow the Lord, God is pleased with his ways. If he stumbles, he will not fall, because the Lord holds his hand. I was young and now I am old, but I have never seen good people left helpless or their children begging for food.