Blame...we all do it.
As a mom of a special needs child ( I still have a hard time saying that.) you know that we tend to blame ourselves for everything involving our children.
You also know that other people blame you for your childs "behavior". I know we have all hear it. "Why can't you control your kid?", "What kind of parent are you to let your child behave like that?", "He doesn't act like that here, so it has to be the home environment...".
My brain knows that it is not my fault. My brain tells me (yells at me) that it is not my fault. The problem is that my heart does not believe it. As a mom in general we blame ourselves or worry about all the "wrong" things we have done while parenting (cause you know we are supposed to be perfect parents!). As a special needs mom I blame myself everyday. Every battle, every rage, every threat of running away or killing himself, every time he cries "Why can't I just be normal like the rest of the kids?".
Just when I thought I was doing okay with not blaming myself (my husband is a wonderful supporter), I got it from his "new" psychiatrist today. I wanted to walk out of her office and cry. Of course I had to be strong, he was with me. So instead of going to the mall we came straight home (I think that mall would have been a disaster anway now that I think about it!). She told me that he would have less anxiety if I spent more time with him. When?!?!?! When he is in the middle of hitting me because he is not getting his way? When he is swearing at me and telling me how awful I am because he has to clean his room, take a shower, do homework, whatever is setting him off at that time?!
I do try to spend good time with him, however, it usually ends up bad. I did or said something "wrong" to set him off again.
I will not blame myself as I go to bed tonight. It is not anything I have done to make these things happen. I will not cry when I go to bed. I did my best today and right now, that is all that matters. Everyone can tell us it is not our fault, we didn't "do" anything to cause this, it us ourselves we need to tell these things to.
I thank all of the friends I have made through various blogs, groups, social networks, etc... for all your support and non blaming ways! If I not had all of you, I would probably be in a hospital instead of fighting with him.