Wednesday, January 12, 2011

My Child

There are many times when M is raging and (I think has absolutely little knowledge of exactly what he is doing) screaming and swearing at me~I mean things I would never say, let alone my 11 yo son!
I wonder how this could be my child. The tiny little boy I gave birth to almost 12 years ago. The little boy I see every once in awhile (few and far between).
This is the boy that can survive the day at school, though I know things are catching up with him this year, and come home and meltdown, day after day after day. The boy that can look at me with eyes so angry and threaten to kill me and my husband because he has to clean his room. The boy that aims his nerf guns (which I have now confiscated) at my husband and then at me. The boy that ruins whatever he gets, throws stuff at people, writes all over himself and his room. The boy who has it in his head that if he can get my husband mad at him enough that he will hurt him, so that my husband will be taken out of our home.
An hour or two later, the boy who comes up to me with tears in his eyes and tells me he is sorry and he loves me. I'll admit there are times when he is already "over it" and he tries to come to me, I have to tell him to go away and stay in his room because I am not ready to see him. Other times, I just want to sit and cry with him, because we are all at our wits end with him and really don't know what else we can do or try.
The same boy who can go visit his counselor (who has seen him in mid rage) that evening or the next day and say everything is fine and smile and be perfectly content with life. Thank goodness she knows better and pushes him for the truth.
We are not so patiently waiting for testing for an IEP so hopefully the school will pay for his tuition while at a children's home. A home where hopefully they can "find" the right meds for him, help him with his daily struggles, help him learn to cope with life. To be able to say OK when asked to do something. As I sit here and reread this, there are way to many hopes in this. I know I have given it to God and he will help us through it somehow. I am worried that M has given up on God and won't help himself. There are so many times when he says it is too hard. "I can't do this anymore". He has been hospitalized so many times that the last time he was in it was only for 3 days. They sent him home with one med change. Did it help? No, it was like a respite care thing. That is not what the hospital is supposed to be for, yet it seemed to me that was all they were willing to do this time.
Having dealt with depression my whole life, I have learned many different ways to cope. I use these tools with M and try to teach him. I can only teach him what he is willing to learn.
Do I want my son sent away? No. If this is the only way he can get help then that is something I will have to learn to deal with.
How can you love someone so much that it hurts, and all they do is hurt you? Sometimes I wonder how this could be my child.


  1. B...My heart breaks for you and your family. I am praying for Gods grace, comfort and healing for all of you...xox...Janette

  2. B, I know exactly what you mean. How can this be my little boy? The rages, the anger, the refusal to do anything he's asked, holding it together till he gets home from school...
    My thoughts and prayers are with you all.